Since they kicked me out of the hospital on Thursday night, I’ve often felt like I don’t really know what I should be doing. On Friday, I drove back to Salem to see my parents and my children. It was a long drive.
I listened to all the songs that I shouldn’t have. I was either crying or on the verge of tears for 120 miles from Osage Beach to Jadwin. Everything was reminding me of Mary. I stopped at Starbucks on the way, which is where Mary and I fell in love over the years in college. We had so many long talks and caramel machs (macchiatos), especially at the Starbucks on Euclid and Maryland in St. Louis.
I played a variety of music, almost all of which Mary introduced me to, and most of which succeeded in enhancing the waterworks. Coldplay, Deathcab for Cutie (their album Plans cut like a knife), and even the Beatles kept me company on the drive. I stopped by the scene of the accident on my way as well. It’s still just so surreal.
A difficult drive
When I finally made it to our house, Lucy, Mary’s mom, was there helping to tidy things up for us. I kind of just walked around aimlessly for a few minutes, shuffled through some piles of mail, and grabbed a few things to bring to my parent’s house. It just felt wrong to be there. It’s like the soul of our home was torn away, leaving behind nothing but an empty shell.
I slowly made my way on down the final mile of my journey to my parent’s house, where John and Amelia had been staying. It was so wonderful to see them. Their undying love kept me going through the weekend. Being with my daughter was the most inspiring thing, though. She has continued to be in a chipper mood despite her injury. She seems to have just accepted how things are and is making the best of it; something from which we could all learn.
A mini family reunion
We were also visited by my sister Emily and my brother Phil and his family. John stayed well occupied by his cousins that day! It was nice that they already are exposed to each other because they often stay together at Grandmas house even in normal times. My Grandpa John and Grandma Shirley also came to visit, but we all wore masks while they were there.
Around this time, I started receiving donations to help with our expenses. It has been humbling and wonderful to see and experience the support of all of our friends and family; it’s been more than I ever expected. We really do appreciate everything that we have been given and offered so far.
Hiding tears at work
Not much really changed at home or with Mary over the next couple of days until today. Since I’m not able to visit her in the hospital, I decided to try to get back to normal as much as possible, so I went back up to the Lake last night. I went to work a few minutes early this morning and caught up with my boss, who almost made me cry. Then I talked to one of the techs, who almost made me cry. Then I overheard someone talking about fentanyl, which almost made me cry. I tried to just get my things straightened out and help get the pharmacy back on track, but it wasn’t easy.
Mary’s Progress
Finally, we got a bit of good news. Lucy and I have been taking turns calling in to the nurse for updates, and she went first today. She passed on several bits of encouraging news, and I got a few more later. Today, Mary was able to say her name and she knew she was in the hospital . She didn’t remember the accident. She can move around and is “squirmy” according to the nurse, but is doing better since they removed the endotracheal tube and the feeding tube. She’s still pretty tired and out of it, but it is encouraging progress!
Still, it was bittersweet. In a way, her drug induced coma gave me some comfort; to know she wasn’t suffering and she didn’t have to be awake and alone in a strange place. For her recovery, the news is great, but it breaks my heart all over again that she is all alone. It is just not right. But, hopefully soon she will be aware enough to set up a Zoom or Facetime session, which would be better than nothing.
I pulled out my old iPod Nano while I was at home. I cleaned it off and synced some of her favorite songs to it, as well as a voice recording from me and from John. Her friend Nicole also made it on the first round of voice recordings. I hope hearing some familiar voices will help give her comfort. If anyone else would like to record a voice memo for me to upload on the next go around, email it to zmoser41@gmail.com. I know it’s not the same as being there, but it’s one of the closest things we can do right now.
Fears and Hopes
I still have hope for a full recovery, but it’s not going to be easy. I know she is tough and stubborn, which will be both a blessing and a curse for her. I hope I’m strong and sensitive enough to give her the help she is going to need in the way she needs it. Though I am hopeful, I am still terrified of what the future might hold for her and us. The fog of the future is one of the most difficult and frightening things in times like these.
What can you do?
Many people since the last update have asked how they can help. Here are some things you can do:
- Wear your mask when out and stay home when sick
- Send me a voice memo to play for Mary
- Save us a spot on your calendar when Covid clears up.
- Donate in her honor to the Salvation Army, St Louis College of Pharmacy, or Project Hope. If you do this, please let me know so I can keep a list for Mary.
- Financial assistance via Venmo (@Zachary-Moser-12)(Last 4 – 8773)
- Pray
Thanks again to everyone who has reached out and offered their well wishes and support. There have been so many I haven’t been able to thank everyone individually. Many of you have reached out requesting updates as well. I hope no one takes it personally, but it is easier to update everyone at once with a blog post rather than responding one by one.
How to Stay up to date
Thank you all. I’ll keep updating on this website. There should be options to follow the page below. You can also find my website’s Facebook Page Zach’s Take (@Zdmoser). If you know me personally, I’ll update on my personal Facebook and Twitter as well.
Hopefully I’ll have more good news to share soon.
