The alarm on my phone rings, but I’ve already been laying in bed awake for fifteen minutes. I refused to get out of bed or check my phone until my alarm rang, that time was still my time. I experienced a sense of dread as I reached for my phone, “which employee was not going to show up to work today?”
I did not always feel this way, by all accounts I should have felt fortunate compared so some of my peers in the corporate world. I was at an independent pharmacy, literally owned by a “mom and pop.” I had the ability to communicate directly with my boss, and free of the shackles of corporate bureaucracy, we were free to adjust operations to meet the needs of the moment. When I started this job, I could easily answer the question of why I took it with a simple refrain “better pay, better help, better hours.” But over the years, that mantra was dismantled word by word.
“When I started this job, I could easily answer the question of why I took it with a simple refrain “better pay, better help, better hours.” But over the years, that mantra was dismantled word by word.”
Working in healthcare during a pandemic was just one of *several* challenges I faced the past 18 months. The situation got to the point where I found myself and my fellow managers telling ourselves “Things can’t possibly get worse” or “Things will get better when…” and the “when” would come and go without things getting better. Morale was subterranean, and staff were disgruntled. I wasn’t actually the first employee to resign, but I was the only one without a job lined up. Positions vacated at the beginning of the year were still not filled and when I resigned there were about 5 FTEs that needed to be filled. Staff that remained openly spoke about applying for other jobs or their dissatisfaction. Even after leaving, I was told of other staff that quit.
The stress from the environment was thick. Hiring was difficult due to both external and internal factors. Frequent messaging from my boss outside of business hours got to the point where I didn’t even want to check my phone or email anymore. When communication wasn’t clear, management was left feeling that either choice would incur his wrath or a snarky comment. You make a decision and then you’re told to stay in your lane, you leave the decision for him and you’re either told to figure it out or you’re met with dragged feet. Classic damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
Working without a full complement of support staff while managing the emotions of all those around me, all the while dealing with a deadly health crisis led to a lot of late nights at the store with ever-fraying nerves. Then in April, as I was walking in the door after another late night, I looked at my phone and realized that I had forgot two very important events due to the stress of work — my mom’s birthday, and my dog’s birthday (they’re birthday twins).
“…I looked at my phone and realized that I had forgot two very important events due to the stress of work — my mom’s birthday, and my dog’s birthday.”
That was my moment of clarity, the straw that broke the camel’s back, the crossing of the Rubicon if you will. That was when I decided I needed to leave. I made sure I was financially secure, and then resigned my position with no job lined up. But for now, I’m enjoying what I’m calling “funemployment.”
Having not taken a vacation since August 2019, I think I’ve earned it. I’ve always told my staff that my idea of a perfect vacation was “Somewhere with no cell service so nobody from work could reach me.” The last time I was able to take some extended time off and escape civilization, one of my techs told me never to take that much time off again; which I’m sure she meant as a compliment. Those words hung heavy over my head the few times I thought of taking time off.
“…one of my techs told me never to take that much time off again; which I’m sure she meant as a compliment. Those words hung heavy over my head the few times I thought of taking time off.”
I think frequently of a quote from Craig Sager, “Time is something that cannot be bought, it cannot be wagered with God, and it is not in endless supply. Time is simply how you live your life.” Time is simply how you live your life, and frankly I got tired of living my life having to worry how much time I had left with my loved ones before I had to return to work. I was tired of putting off projects I wanted to accomplish because I just didn’t have the time. I’m fortunate that in the time since leaving my position, I was able to spend that time with loved ones, I was able to accomplish my projects, and I no longer woke up with a sense of dread. I’ve got plenty more I want to do, and that includes offering more of my musings with those of you who have gifted me with your time as you read my words.
Sam An is a 2013 graduate of St. Louis College of Pharmacy. If you have questions for Sam, contact him on our “about” page.
